my love

please dont lose yourself while everything is falling apart. i know its hard for you right now but dont ever forget that i love you & you should always know your friends are here for you

lost

for myself i am the happiest i can be but for my family & friends i cant say the same & it sucks to feel that i cant do anything but give them advice & attention but i can only do so much until they wont take it & they ignore us & blame it on us. maybe i just need to give them space & pray for my cousin to come back from hawaii because surely i had too much friend time & its time for family qt.

& you know what? i hate people. i fucking hate people who blame shit on others. that bothyers me so much because ive noticed my friends do that alot. i dont understand why they can man up & say its my fault. but its whatever. im happy & im going to stay happy, with or without people.

infactuated

im madly infatuated with this person but we barely talk & my mind just pumps it up and make up the rest for their part when we don't talk. we got off on such a great foot then we realized the fact that it wont work we stopped communicated daily & sadly i think this is gonna be the worse thing for me to turn down, sounds crazy but i've never had such strong feelings for anyone else and its sad that they're 4-5 hours away. gahhhhhhh. other than that life is a peice of cake right now.

too fast

world, your spinning at a increasing speed that im not fond of. which is GAY. all ive been doing is work, & all for nothing to show it. please dont let me disgrace. please change for better for at least the next three months to make up for the past three ones? please oh please? anything is possible. i want you to free my mind. oh free, free, free, free, free my mind. oh its so possible.

dear mother

i cant believe you

everyday you look into my eyes, everyday you see the worry i have. everyday you know your son hates you but you dont even bother to even try to make things better, or even try to help around by doing the most simpliest things to make your son happy or even to love you more. you make no absolute sense. you have all the time in the day to have all the errands & some more to done but you sit on your fucking ass in front your damn computer all damn day long. YOU MAKE NO SENSE. i network too & i dont need all day to be doing that shit. what bothers me even more is that you know your sons paying FOR EVERYTHING, & you still make him come home from work & do YOUR errands. now how fucked up is that? you said you had it hard when you were younger, NO you dont know the half of it. i prolly could be living better in vietnam than being your son. how does that make you feel? oh wait, you dont feel anything unless your drunk. are you gonna ask me for a couple bucks so you can walk to 711 and get some brew? you should know how lucky you are to have son like me. i left a world where i could be just about the greatest person alive just to help you. no not even you. i came back for the kids. the kids need me. YOU DONT NEED ME. emotionally you hate, & dont care, & use me. im done. so dont bother trying anymore. as soon as you pick your two fat ass feet up from the water i will be gone before you can even notice it. you are a tremedous pain on my heart & mind. everytime you start drinking you cry to your kids about how you are going to die or kill yourself. you play this role almost everytime you get drunk. ITS GETTING BORING. i cant even shed a tear for you anymore. your so fake. your such a caniving liar. if i knew that my children hate this much to say or even just a quater of this? i would feel like the worst person in the universe. & you sit there like its nothing. your so selfish you can cry about how you have it easy but you cant cry about how you cant do anything & making your children work hard for you & not appreicaite it. i have tried so hard & still trying to understand your perspective, your twisted point of view. but i just cant. i have so much anger from you i think it can last me ten lifetimes. its so hard to be nice to you because you dont try, trying counts in my book but only to an extent, you clearly passed it a long time ago and im letting you have it easy by not trippin on you. your a single parent so try to be a good one. you do you always seek to have a man in your life when you should care about your children first. you say things that arent even true to my friends. oh my chilrdren first, my fucking ass. why cant you just be more americanized i mean you are half white. its rediculous. youve live in the us for how long? your a us citizen. get your shit straight. you make my blood boil someday soon im going to have a heart attack from all the stress you put upon me. & i bet 100 dollars you wouldnt even know its because of you. its funny because you only cared whenever i shave my head thinking its because im gonna go be a monk. what the fuck do i look like? im a chirstian & i use to go to church two times a week & you cant even remember. you dont even know what i like. you dont even know my favorite color. im real with you because i have to love you. if i didnt have to love you i'd be ken with you. shit.

could this be

a new beginning for me? i dont know but i am surely gonna take it as it is. ive officially moved out of the bestfriends house & in to a new house with just my mother & three little sisters. i love them. my mother and i dont argue as much anymore, we brush each others rudeness off because we both dont want to hear it anymore. i think it got better when i cried to her when she told me about how shes fed up with her life & how our "family" treats each other. i am finally at a place where i think im gonna stay for awhile. for a " new" guy at xxi they give me great hours & i get paid pretty swell compared to people whos been there longer than i have. i also painted my room bed & got pictures up and a nice lamp. i feel like its personized to my needs of how dark & clean and sleek it needs to be for me. & as for raen, i just burned some of his stuff. i feel like this is gonna be one of the last times i will fall this fast, without more knowledge. why cant there just be someone out there who knows what theyre doing and if not react like a human and not a electronic device. i dont want to wait. im not getting younger. im getting older and it btohers me on how much ive accomplished way to much for it to be blown away. i am restarting, rethinkin, and most definaltey reconsidering my expectations. you pay & give time for things to be right. so i am not going to get comfrtable. and i will not stop to make this life successful and perfect. i dont think it of it as an ocd, but more of a expectation for life because without goals or a thrive who would we be? what humans would live without them anyways. im too bright to be stepping in puddles and to bright to be walking in the rain. i know now & forever on this knwledge will help me.

dear god, please help my coworker get a baby girl. she finds out today & bless wher will you. dont forget my mains the gc i love so much remind them that without a group this tight we wouldnt have the great oppertunities that we have to make something out of nothing, and bless my family and to keep their heads up, and help all my friends & their family for having cancer . remind them that they are not alone. & help me believe more in myself.

febuary 19th 8pm

kitty oh kitty you be dancing & rockin all night long. i was tryna find a picture of my little sisters in my mothers computer but i couldnt so i found this insted. today i woke up got ready had a corndog & waited for my mother to come around then we dropped off my little sisters @ my friend vickys place. then we went to tmobile to only talk on the PHONE. i hate that insurance crap its rediculously unfair for you to be paying 6 bucks a month for you to have insurance for your phone BUT you have to have this very long list of TO DO in order for you to pay & get your phone STUPID. then we went to ross & bought some stuff for the new house i gotta say its amazing how cheap ross is there will be good stuff for cheap too! haha. well ttyl. oh i love you homie g skills.