love me.

I am more hating but also loving myself at the same time for the way I think react and just do things. after I do something I think about what I just did three times. and hate myself. I put a smile on my face because of my friends and I love that. I give off the impression of something I am not I hate that. I think the main issue about me is that I let people get in my head. but its just sometimess and I do really try to be better. I really do try to keep myself happy. & that's where it leades. should I be selfish and take off to cali and forever be happy and only worry for me? or do I stay here and fall apart and pick the pieces over and over again with the family? I have done so much already and still I get no respect I know I can't have everything I want but asking for real love from family isn't much. after all they need to be thoughtful about how much I have done for them. making all the convience for my family. that's why I am thinking of what I should do about where should lead myself now. new life or struggle some more.