too much?

you have no idea how much i want us to work, but its the fact that when im in a relationship with a guy i turn ugly, and i become this green monster that gives you all sort of attitude but also distant myself. it sucks. i wish you could understand how i work. i with you weren't so aggressive, i wish you acted like cupcake. she comes when she wants to & she goes as she pleases. but when i cuddle with her shes always there for the meanwhile. & when i wake up shes there. thats what i like. im not saying im a distant person but matter over fact. you will never get me.

had a long night.

was all messed up. was racing, was going to all sorts of places around seattle, & i woke up thnking i was laying down the whole night. amazing. i felt so alive that i was not at all haha. does that make sense?

if i could throw everything away

i could party all the time, & my life would be easy haha but its not that simple. i applied at xxi today & talked to one of the managers in front while i turned in my application and resume, i had it all on one paper front back kinda thing & she said it was cute i was glad she gave me a compliment. so i was like WHOOT WHOOT in my mind haha, & she said she needs stock & i really dont care as long as i just have a job im appy i didnt really want to show my face anyways haha. but as i was walking out of the store there was two niggas fighting in front of the store & i was laughing & told the manager about calling the security & i couldnt even walk out because the people was swarming to see what happened but they didnt even tried to stop it haha i thought it was hilarious. i just think its so funny how the world could stop whatever theryre doing , im talking even old ass people late 30's and 40's too, and just stand in a circle to see these idk 16yold kids fight. over a girl thats i seriously dont think is worth it at all. but whatever floats your boat. but in my relationship case, jenna is everyting i expected. someone who scared or doesnt even bother to texts me. so im slowly giving up. i should talk to her soon. but raen .. everything i didnt thought he was , he is. an amazing person. & not a snobby stuck up fool. as for serena, i dont get affections until i actually see her. so i know thats all lust from my point of view. i shuold jus tell her to be friends. i dont want her to have her heart broken twice by me.

nice guys always finish last.

but then again, i was born a nice guy, i was born a giving hand, a straight mind to follow. everyone has been looking at me like im enjoying myself, but then again. i should be not only enjoying myself but also help others understand me so they wouldnt be so heart broken. i enjoying talking to jenna, everyone tells me no. but i just cant stop thinking about her. & she has my mind. serena gives me comfort but i know we dont understand each others at all. raen knows how to treat me right & enjoy my company & just knows exactly what to say, its cute & what i overall look for. but im still lost and i need time. to think. long run. short run. lifes short but for this im gonna make the time.

decisions

one two three four five. du ma.

on my mind

its funny how you can think your insane your whole life because of how you think, & when some other person just say that sometimes they feel the same way you instantly think wow, im not crazy im sane. haha jenna pointed something out to me & made me feel sane. & ever since shes been keeping a smile on me. cuddled to sleep & woke up to the same face. feels good to have something like that. missed it, last person i had a feeling like this was when i was with frienda. i usually dont go out looking for anything in anymore, but i love it when it comes to you & it feels so right. gawhs.

but imiss my little sisters. terribly. i almost cried when i saw a picture of angela & anna. too bad michelle wasnt in the picture also or otherwise i'l print it out. i think i will anyways.

right when i wake up

i could think about so many things. today it was reading my texts from jenna may & vannaray khoy. the two last people i thought of last night. but i noticed that when i texted them back it never came through! my phones is temporary off. sorry folks ): i need to find money quick i wish i could just go straight to next year so i could get money already! or if i could get a hold of my biological father so i can threaten him to either give me hella money or ima bring him to court for child support that motha f' im so evil. but hopefully tonight i could get so drunk i dont remember who i am, maybe that'll make it easier for me to want things food, & sleep. it would be alot easier for me about everything!

there are times

i find it hard to sleep at night, we are living through such trouble times. so i wake up smiling & just having so much faith & hope on a better day. you live your own life, you choose your decisions you have the ability to make it better or worse. all said & done so what do you do? if you really wanted to be happy you'd smile for yourself & push through the darkness. that is why i make myself look so stupid that all i can do is laugh because its helping myself heal. while i laugh & do these ridiculous things im healing my heart & my mind, you should think of it as like that also, or try to because it has worked for me. im becoming more atheist because not that i discriminate but more of the fact that i believe more in myself than god. when i want something to happen I, MYSELF, make it happen. am i right? i hope i dont offend anyone i really hope so. but this is my blog to give out my own opinion to myself. so rweer suck it! (:

i love you homie g skillet (:

i can actually

BREATHE, smile, laugh & jump on couches and dont care about it. ahahha. [sorry stephanie i didnt mean to break your couch] but leaving my mothers house every time FEELS SO GOOD. to be away from her & not hearing about her shit & not worrying about her getting too drunk & im the one having to deal with the bullshit, but the sad part is that every time i do leave, i leave my sisters also & then i barely talk to them & then thats where i go see them more & more & get myself back into this loop . so i thought about it. i want to do something so productive so khfbshf idont know so amazingly money gathering so i can become a millionaire & take custody of my three little sisters. i think it has resulted of this as an outcome from my mothers behavior every night. this past week ive had NO time to think about my personal life. ive been just ignoring all facts & all opinions. its like my body is moving & reacting, but in my mind you have no idea. i feel like ive been on cloud 9 like as if i am seriously happy. & jsut a few minuts ago i thought about why is that? haha because of my great friends. i may not reply our texts & it may be hard to grab a hold of me. but YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW i appreciate each & everyone of ya'll esp you vanny. welps out to another night of jnp. tune in later.

dear diary lol.

here i am again having more things to vent about. the other day i left my mothers place & this time im for sure i am not going to repeat the past & let this happen again, ive never yelled at my mother the way i did that night. i didnt even recognized myself. the way i was yelling & the things i said, was too harsh & no one should deserve that but somehow my mother got that side of me out & so i gave it to her. my mother is nearly a spilt image of a mother that clearly doesnt know how to portray as a mother. she has five kids & still dont know how to respect her own childrens wishes & she doesnt even try to get to know them, one example : she doesnt even know whats my favorite food or favorite color. that is sad. when i know her inside out while all of us [her children] do. my mother have never striked at before but that night she also did that, & of course i didnt want to hit back so the only way i could get her off me was to just cleary push her onto my bed & say get off me *****. so thats when my brother held her back & she turned around & slapped him also. but i am clearly stating out too much information. you know its bad when you walk upstairs to say bye to your little sisters & right when you walk in thier room they say, " you dont have to worry jhon, you dont have to explain just be safe." sobbing walking up to them to say im sorry, & sadly thats all i could say i repeated it & said, " you kno i love you & you know you could always text me, i'll be here for you in a heartbeat." i just hate leaving my little sisters thats the only thing that truly shot me in the heart, because when i was arguing with my mother i didnt shed a tear at all she was & i was actually laughing at her. i feel so bad for my step dad, she got it the worse but they all made thier mistakes & its clear to see they are paying for it. as for me ... im living without my little sisters here anymore. its back to how i use to live when i was younger, seeing them the most 15 times a year. i see it coming. god i wish i could jst take them & move into my own place & just kesgbhkskgdbkgs i wish i was a millionre. money does count people. REMEMBER THAT. money can BUY YOU HAPPINESS.