my love

please dont lose yourself while everything is falling apart. i know its hard for you right now but dont ever forget that i love you & you should always know your friends are here for you

lost

for myself i am the happiest i can be but for my family & friends i cant say the same & it sucks to feel that i cant do anything but give them advice & attention but i can only do so much until they wont take it & they ignore us & blame it on us. maybe i just need to give them space & pray for my cousin to come back from hawaii because surely i had too much friend time & its time for family qt.

& you know what? i hate people. i fucking hate people who blame shit on others. that bothyers me so much because ive noticed my friends do that alot. i dont understand why they can man up & say its my fault. but its whatever. im happy & im going to stay happy, with or without people.

infactuated

im madly infatuated with this person but we barely talk & my mind just pumps it up and make up the rest for their part when we don't talk. we got off on such a great foot then we realized the fact that it wont work we stopped communicated daily & sadly i think this is gonna be the worse thing for me to turn down, sounds crazy but i've never had such strong feelings for anyone else and its sad that they're 4-5 hours away. gahhhhhhh. other than that life is a peice of cake right now.

too fast

world, your spinning at a increasing speed that im not fond of. which is GAY. all ive been doing is work, & all for nothing to show it. please dont let me disgrace. please change for better for at least the next three months to make up for the past three ones? please oh please? anything is possible. i want you to free my mind. oh free, free, free, free, free my mind. oh its so possible.

dear mother

i cant believe you

everyday you look into my eyes, everyday you see the worry i have. everyday you know your son hates you but you dont even bother to even try to make things better, or even try to help around by doing the most simpliest things to make your son happy or even to love you more. you make no absolute sense. you have all the time in the day to have all the errands & some more to done but you sit on your fucking ass in front your damn computer all damn day long. YOU MAKE NO SENSE. i network too & i dont need all day to be doing that shit. what bothers me even more is that you know your sons paying FOR EVERYTHING, & you still make him come home from work & do YOUR errands. now how fucked up is that? you said you had it hard when you were younger, NO you dont know the half of it. i prolly could be living better in vietnam than being your son. how does that make you feel? oh wait, you dont feel anything unless your drunk. are you gonna ask me for a couple bucks so you can walk to 711 and get some brew? you should know how lucky you are to have son like me. i left a world where i could be just about the greatest person alive just to help you. no not even you. i came back for the kids. the kids need me. YOU DONT NEED ME. emotionally you hate, & dont care, & use me. im done. so dont bother trying anymore. as soon as you pick your two fat ass feet up from the water i will be gone before you can even notice it. you are a tremedous pain on my heart & mind. everytime you start drinking you cry to your kids about how you are going to die or kill yourself. you play this role almost everytime you get drunk. ITS GETTING BORING. i cant even shed a tear for you anymore. your so fake. your such a caniving liar. if i knew that my children hate this much to say or even just a quater of this? i would feel like the worst person in the universe. & you sit there like its nothing. your so selfish you can cry about how you have it easy but you cant cry about how you cant do anything & making your children work hard for you & not appreicaite it. i have tried so hard & still trying to understand your perspective, your twisted point of view. but i just cant. i have so much anger from you i think it can last me ten lifetimes. its so hard to be nice to you because you dont try, trying counts in my book but only to an extent, you clearly passed it a long time ago and im letting you have it easy by not trippin on you. your a single parent so try to be a good one. you do you always seek to have a man in your life when you should care about your children first. you say things that arent even true to my friends. oh my chilrdren first, my fucking ass. why cant you just be more americanized i mean you are half white. its rediculous. youve live in the us for how long? your a us citizen. get your shit straight. you make my blood boil someday soon im going to have a heart attack from all the stress you put upon me. & i bet 100 dollars you wouldnt even know its because of you. its funny because you only cared whenever i shave my head thinking its because im gonna go be a monk. what the fuck do i look like? im a chirstian & i use to go to church two times a week & you cant even remember. you dont even know what i like. you dont even know my favorite color. im real with you because i have to love you. if i didnt have to love you i'd be ken with you. shit.

could this be

a new beginning for me? i dont know but i am surely gonna take it as it is. ive officially moved out of the bestfriends house & in to a new house with just my mother & three little sisters. i love them. my mother and i dont argue as much anymore, we brush each others rudeness off because we both dont want to hear it anymore. i think it got better when i cried to her when she told me about how shes fed up with her life & how our "family" treats each other. i am finally at a place where i think im gonna stay for awhile. for a " new" guy at xxi they give me great hours & i get paid pretty swell compared to people whos been there longer than i have. i also painted my room bed & got pictures up and a nice lamp. i feel like its personized to my needs of how dark & clean and sleek it needs to be for me. & as for raen, i just burned some of his stuff. i feel like this is gonna be one of the last times i will fall this fast, without more knowledge. why cant there just be someone out there who knows what theyre doing and if not react like a human and not a electronic device. i dont want to wait. im not getting younger. im getting older and it btohers me on how much ive accomplished way to much for it to be blown away. i am restarting, rethinkin, and most definaltey reconsidering my expectations. you pay & give time for things to be right. so i am not going to get comfrtable. and i will not stop to make this life successful and perfect. i dont think it of it as an ocd, but more of a expectation for life because without goals or a thrive who would we be? what humans would live without them anyways. im too bright to be stepping in puddles and to bright to be walking in the rain. i know now & forever on this knwledge will help me.

dear god, please help my coworker get a baby girl. she finds out today & bless wher will you. dont forget my mains the gc i love so much remind them that without a group this tight we wouldnt have the great oppertunities that we have to make something out of nothing, and bless my family and to keep their heads up, and help all my friends & their family for having cancer . remind them that they are not alone. & help me believe more in myself.

febuary 19th 8pm

kitty oh kitty you be dancing & rockin all night long. i was tryna find a picture of my little sisters in my mothers computer but i couldnt so i found this insted. today i woke up got ready had a corndog & waited for my mother to come around then we dropped off my little sisters @ my friend vickys place. then we went to tmobile to only talk on the PHONE. i hate that insurance crap its rediculously unfair for you to be paying 6 bucks a month for you to have insurance for your phone BUT you have to have this very long list of TO DO in order for you to pay & get your phone STUPID. then we went to ross & bought some stuff for the new house i gotta say its amazing how cheap ross is there will be good stuff for cheap too! haha. well ttyl. oh i love you homie g skills.

rain will go away

this past month have learned so much about myself more than throughout my whole life. & all because of you. i learned that ive never fallen as hard as i did for you, & ive learn that with this power you have of me, YOU could kill me in a heart beat. I CANT STAND BEING WITHOUT YOU. you think you miss me more? & you think you have more fatal feelings than me? baby you have no idea. your in vegas ding only god knows & ive been injecting myself with all sorts of drugs because i hate waking up without your face here, i have gone to the place where i didnt want to be when we first started this. NOW you are going to end up leaving me & i can do nothing about it which really sucks because you could easy move on without me there, and i will be the one stuck on you with all these drugs in my system because your not here to stop me. i miss you. and i hate you.

maybe not.

were not meant to be, its really hard with you breathing down my neck not only the fact that you always try to manipulate me constantly, it bothers me. you always try to make me look bad but your the one tempting me to say something or anything, i think our perfect philosophy is that you act more like a dog & i act more like a cat. your aggressive, obnoxious, & consistent. as for me i am more gentle, quiet, mannered, & i come & go as i please, & i cant have someone to tell me no. it really sucks because i like you so much & tried so hard already. its not that im staying with you because ive already put so much into it but its just that fact that i dont want to give up on what we have, had or wherever it is now. i feel high almost all the time around you now, & when im not it feels right to be high because i have an excuse to feel the way i do. its foolish, more than that i am acting foolish. when it comes to you i cant explain anything, my words fumble & i stutter. all my knowledge goes out the door when it comes to you, i dont know what to do. when i should. when i should know exactly what to do. my weakness when it comes to you is that i let EVERYTHING slide. i cant argue with you because when i look at you i smile. but you should know that, that power you have of me is slowly going away. you dont give me alot of good reasons to stay happy. & I AM NOT A PEICE OF MEAT. you always give off that impression. it bothers me. another thing .. is that you say one thing but your actions beg to differ. please tell me what to do ):

more cars.

if raen dont buy these. i will lol.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1541912293.html - acura tl

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1541861037.html - honda prelude

http://seattle.craigslist.org/est/ctd/1534035967.html - bmw 323i

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1534201519.html - bmw 328i

http://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/cto/1534669509.html - bmw 323ci

http://seattle.craigslist.org/skc/cto/1540461316.html - bmw 328ci

http://seattle.craigslist.org/sno/cto/1540502229.html - bmw 528i

http://seattle.craigslist.org/skc/ctd/1539548481.html - jaguar type s 3.0

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1540357542.html - acura rsx

http://seattle.craigslist.org/sno/cto/1540596708.html - acura cl

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1540830023.html - acura tl navi

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1535623689.html - lexus is300

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1540186532.html - porsche boxster

i havnt felt.

sucks to feel like this. i think i think too much. i think i doubt too much. i dont want to doubt anyone but i always would love to think that its going to last. but knowing that they are going to leave or that they are going to be away. or knowing there could be possiblities. it sucks. ive never liked anyone as much as i did now. its not that i dont want to be with you because surely its more than i want i know its going to happen that were bound to be going out. its the fact that i know your gonna leave and whats going to happen to me? i cant just stand here thinkin that its going to be okay to fall so hard like i am and just let it go like its nothing. it goes both ways you know. you want all of me & i want all of you but we know that wont happen. your moving. how am i going to set my legos down & you move the holding sheet away from me. i dont want to crumble down. but i do know i want you to be around, & i do know i am foolish. but your more & everything i want & need physically, mentally, & emotionally. i know this is going to be the biggest cut because already jsut sit here tearing up for you. when everything is perfectly fine.

for raen

http://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/cto/1538760906.html
http://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/ctd/1539414279.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/cto/1538878573.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/ctd/1538989131.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1538974972.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/est/cto/1532859112.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1538111852.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1537979543.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1533633867.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/sno/ctd/1539385287.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1530534976.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1538705902.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1537921638.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1534313502.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1532149971.html

>>>>http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/cto/1539621156.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/skc/cto/1536056531.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1533974328.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/skc/ctd/1538962009.html

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/ctd/1537989069.html

reminder chiro

9422 delrigde way sw seattle wa 98106

number: 206 768 8214

cell: 206 501 7436

tacoma clinic number

253 475 6744

NOW > later

i finally understand how im suppose to be, i finally understand how im suppose to act.

we all understand with age. & with the age we think back at how we were, how naive we were. & how we always thought about why would older people act the way they do, & why do they talk the way they do, & why they do the things they do, why they keep falling in relationships when its clearly not going to work out, & clearly i figured out my little questions. its because when we were young we cared so much in all the things that later on in life didnt matter.

---BREAK!----

reminder---- chiro asap. here you go jhon before you break your back going to sleep.

675 s lane st suite 300 seattle wa 98104

try - melissa polinar

this is exactly how i feel. sad.

i hope

i really do need help with this situation. i really hope that this is not all faulty. i really do wish i could be satisfied & not mess this relationship.

hello 2010.

2009 taught me to never look back, & keep moving foward. appreciate every little thing, and live your days like theres no tomorrow. & keep your bestfriends close, & leave your enemies alone. rather give them nothing to talk about at all then some more. DONT believe in forgiveness because it will happen again, dont forgive them, but help them to not repeat the past. & dont think family will take you far.

oh, i ended my year liking, & now im falling.

im so scared i hate it.