too much?

you have no idea how much i want us to work, but its the fact that when im in a relationship with a guy i turn ugly, and i become this green monster that gives you all sort of attitude but also distant myself. it sucks. i wish you could understand how i work. i with you weren't so aggressive, i wish you acted like cupcake. she comes when she wants to & she goes as she pleases. but when i cuddle with her shes always there for the meanwhile. & when i wake up shes there. thats what i like. im not saying im a distant person but matter over fact. you will never get me.

had a long night.

was all messed up. was racing, was going to all sorts of places around seattle, & i woke up thnking i was laying down the whole night. amazing. i felt so alive that i was not at all haha. does that make sense?

if i could throw everything away

i could party all the time, & my life would be easy haha but its not that simple. i applied at xxi today & talked to one of the managers in front while i turned in my application and resume, i had it all on one paper front back kinda thing & she said it was cute i was glad she gave me a compliment. so i was like WHOOT WHOOT in my mind haha, & she said she needs stock & i really dont care as long as i just have a job im appy i didnt really want to show my face anyways haha. but as i was walking out of the store there was two niggas fighting in front of the store & i was laughing & told the manager about calling the security & i couldnt even walk out because the people was swarming to see what happened but they didnt even tried to stop it haha i thought it was hilarious. i just think its so funny how the world could stop whatever theryre doing , im talking even old ass people late 30's and 40's too, and just stand in a circle to see these idk 16yold kids fight. over a girl thats i seriously dont think is worth it at all. but whatever floats your boat. but in my relationship case, jenna is everyting i expected. someone who scared or doesnt even bother to texts me. so im slowly giving up. i should talk to her soon. but raen .. everything i didnt thought he was , he is. an amazing person. & not a snobby stuck up fool. as for serena, i dont get affections until i actually see her. so i know thats all lust from my point of view. i shuold jus tell her to be friends. i dont want her to have her heart broken twice by me.

nice guys always finish last.

but then again, i was born a nice guy, i was born a giving hand, a straight mind to follow. everyone has been looking at me like im enjoying myself, but then again. i should be not only enjoying myself but also help others understand me so they wouldnt be so heart broken. i enjoying talking to jenna, everyone tells me no. but i just cant stop thinking about her. & she has my mind. serena gives me comfort but i know we dont understand each others at all. raen knows how to treat me right & enjoy my company & just knows exactly what to say, its cute & what i overall look for. but im still lost and i need time. to think. long run. short run. lifes short but for this im gonna make the time.

decisions

one two three four five. du ma.

on my mind

its funny how you can think your insane your whole life because of how you think, & when some other person just say that sometimes they feel the same way you instantly think wow, im not crazy im sane. haha jenna pointed something out to me & made me feel sane. & ever since shes been keeping a smile on me. cuddled to sleep & woke up to the same face. feels good to have something like that. missed it, last person i had a feeling like this was when i was with frienda. i usually dont go out looking for anything in anymore, but i love it when it comes to you & it feels so right. gawhs.

but imiss my little sisters. terribly. i almost cried when i saw a picture of angela & anna. too bad michelle wasnt in the picture also or otherwise i'l print it out. i think i will anyways.

right when i wake up

i could think about so many things. today it was reading my texts from jenna may & vannaray khoy. the two last people i thought of last night. but i noticed that when i texted them back it never came through! my phones is temporary off. sorry folks ): i need to find money quick i wish i could just go straight to next year so i could get money already! or if i could get a hold of my biological father so i can threaten him to either give me hella money or ima bring him to court for child support that motha f' im so evil. but hopefully tonight i could get so drunk i dont remember who i am, maybe that'll make it easier for me to want things food, & sleep. it would be alot easier for me about everything!

there are times

i find it hard to sleep at night, we are living through such trouble times. so i wake up smiling & just having so much faith & hope on a better day. you live your own life, you choose your decisions you have the ability to make it better or worse. all said & done so what do you do? if you really wanted to be happy you'd smile for yourself & push through the darkness. that is why i make myself look so stupid that all i can do is laugh because its helping myself heal. while i laugh & do these ridiculous things im healing my heart & my mind, you should think of it as like that also, or try to because it has worked for me. im becoming more atheist because not that i discriminate but more of the fact that i believe more in myself than god. when i want something to happen I, MYSELF, make it happen. am i right? i hope i dont offend anyone i really hope so. but this is my blog to give out my own opinion to myself. so rweer suck it! (:

i love you homie g skillet (:

i can actually

BREATHE, smile, laugh & jump on couches and dont care about it. ahahha. [sorry stephanie i didnt mean to break your couch] but leaving my mothers house every time FEELS SO GOOD. to be away from her & not hearing about her shit & not worrying about her getting too drunk & im the one having to deal with the bullshit, but the sad part is that every time i do leave, i leave my sisters also & then i barely talk to them & then thats where i go see them more & more & get myself back into this loop . so i thought about it. i want to do something so productive so khfbshf idont know so amazingly money gathering so i can become a millionaire & take custody of my three little sisters. i think it has resulted of this as an outcome from my mothers behavior every night. this past week ive had NO time to think about my personal life. ive been just ignoring all facts & all opinions. its like my body is moving & reacting, but in my mind you have no idea. i feel like ive been on cloud 9 like as if i am seriously happy. & jsut a few minuts ago i thought about why is that? haha because of my great friends. i may not reply our texts & it may be hard to grab a hold of me. but YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW i appreciate each & everyone of ya'll esp you vanny. welps out to another night of jnp. tune in later.

dear diary lol.

here i am again having more things to vent about. the other day i left my mothers place & this time im for sure i am not going to repeat the past & let this happen again, ive never yelled at my mother the way i did that night. i didnt even recognized myself. the way i was yelling & the things i said, was too harsh & no one should deserve that but somehow my mother got that side of me out & so i gave it to her. my mother is nearly a spilt image of a mother that clearly doesnt know how to portray as a mother. she has five kids & still dont know how to respect her own childrens wishes & she doesnt even try to get to know them, one example : she doesnt even know whats my favorite food or favorite color. that is sad. when i know her inside out while all of us [her children] do. my mother have never striked at before but that night she also did that, & of course i didnt want to hit back so the only way i could get her off me was to just cleary push her onto my bed & say get off me *****. so thats when my brother held her back & she turned around & slapped him also. but i am clearly stating out too much information. you know its bad when you walk upstairs to say bye to your little sisters & right when you walk in thier room they say, " you dont have to worry jhon, you dont have to explain just be safe." sobbing walking up to them to say im sorry, & sadly thats all i could say i repeated it & said, " you kno i love you & you know you could always text me, i'll be here for you in a heartbeat." i just hate leaving my little sisters thats the only thing that truly shot me in the heart, because when i was arguing with my mother i didnt shed a tear at all she was & i was actually laughing at her. i feel so bad for my step dad, she got it the worse but they all made thier mistakes & its clear to see they are paying for it. as for me ... im living without my little sisters here anymore. its back to how i use to live when i was younger, seeing them the most 15 times a year. i see it coming. god i wish i could jst take them & move into my own place & just kesgbhkskgdbkgs i wish i was a millionre. money does count people. REMEMBER THAT. money can BUY YOU HAPPINESS.

Love how i can blog from my phone now hhahaha and tumble! And tweet! Lmao jeez.

Testing testing. Mobile blog go!

i cannot

skgksrg get over you, your the scum between my toes.

i hate laying in bed thinking about when was the last time we held each others
i hate thinkin about the advice you gave me everytime we talked
i hate thinkin about how you were the only one who actually helped me stay sane
i hate that i cried before i left you
i hate that i gave up on you
i hate how you are the wierdest person in the world but got the greatest hold on me.

i hate it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2O4iDrf6ic

love.

i do not ask nor do i beg for it. i stand all alone without love. if there was ever a day i do wish i was it was because i was intoxicated.

i will stand with jnp

you moved to cali? i guess i wouldnt have known. but dont think because i dont talk to you im not thinking about you. i wonder because i care i care because i lub you. plz dont be mad at me. i know im the worst when it comes to a friend. but im still your friend...if you consider me so.

take care and be safe. ___ <3

why

cant i sleep, but not only that i have tears fall down myface, with my nose snifflin, i feel almost as im making my sickness an excuse for my emotions. i feel like i cant stand tall so i need to be recharged my cousin, & bestfriends. i keep placing myself in situations where i know i dont want to be at anymore, because ive been there done that. not only but i surround myself aorund by people who obviously cant control their mind & cant be civialized most of the time. its foolish because out of all the people i hang out with, im always the youngest, so if i could be up there & know how to act.. why cant they? makes no sense, another one rant, no one knows how to clan up after themselfs, no one wants to help, no one wants a happier day because when a small situation comes by someone always have to mae the small little issues into a big commotion for noaperent reason, isnt that silly hahah.

i might be

intoxicated with your love.
indulged with your sweet slick words,
suffocated with your soul-y blood & reminders,
pressured with your kind careness,
your witty heart with the great smile,
your opened eyes to the map of your infinite,
but ...


i still stand here.. clueless, wondering, figuring why i am not taking the greatest option maybe its too quick because ive never day dream as much as i did for anyone else but you. maybe im a little to caught up in the clouds thinking this is too good to be true. i want, need, have to have you. just not now because for that will bring us down.

liars

if you think you can lie & get away with it, dont think we wont find out. in the matter of the time, it will unravel & tell itself. i love how people can get so close to you & live on with your days in front of your face not feeling guilty knowing the relationship is all based on lies & secrets. i understand personal secrets, but little stupid lies for a better story or for a better look. god put you positions to teach you & guide you to a better path. show you who you are through your choice of friends. i know now who i miss & adore, i will not be unappreciative with the ones who helped me to be better. god helps us.


-faith.

fly around in cirlces

im all in for change, im tired of repeating the past, i am most certainly flying in circles currently & i can rant about how much it bothers me but i wont. if anything i much rather talk about my family who are repeating the past, but i still wont. i want to talk about how i run like a plane. sounds odd but i think right now it is the best metaphor. for a plane to go you need gas, & to get gas you have to land. people need to understand the fact that when you fly up there just so much gas you have to keep flying. you have a destination & thats where it'll take you. but sooner or later you need to calm down & land, safely & sane, to reality & notice that you need to land. if you dont notice you need to land & rest you will run out of gas & crash. right???

love.

i do not ask nor do i beg for it. i stand all alone without love. if there was ever a day i do wish i was it was because i was intoxicated.

jnp stands alone.

let down.

everything i think of , everything i hope for, everyone i see up to, always end up letting me down in some big or small way. everything could be easy, everything could be happy, & everything we say & do could measure up to have a bigger impact. the thing that is sad is that no one thinks before they act. i am a leo so i automatically do. it is a process of how i act. i miss the old days where i didnt have to.

family and friends

we are all fucking up. when I wake up at five in the morning to calm you down tryna at least and when ii burst into tears that's when you know we are all fucking up god please help us.

disrespectful.

nobody doesn't know how to respect others especially when it is a gathering. for birthdays. its just nonsense how people are these days everyone has a past so let it be and if someone is mad at you let it be until the next day or when they are sober when both or the group can function. I am fed up with little people who don't know how to act their own age. and if you are done then you are done just let it be.

keep it moving.

even if all the doors close on you and the world won't let you do anything in the meantime .... don't cry. I mean at first it might be a shock but we can't all be emo now can we. I know it gets tiring of just keep trying and trying but we just have to hold it in there because the day will come for us to finally have success. there is always a door in the hallway that is locked you just have to find it. remember not to take too much time on one thing because you might forget something more vauable or important. bloggers just don't give up because you know we all depend on each others and if we all givr up what do we make ourselfs then? greater is always better than nothing.

pervert.

beat this.

do you know?

do you know that life doesnt get better? its reality it just dont, we always look abck & said its the better days but if you really think about it its because your still working on it, because when your there thats when you say im living the good life, i swear when i was younger things were so much easier but now living on my own doing my own shit , i know it may not seem liek it but i am always scared i am scared that i dont know what to do, its horrible. i always ask for gods guidence and he always sends me my amazing friends if it wasnt for my amazing friends i think i would be on the park somewhere looking like a bum no lie, people look at me & say oh he has it easy oh he lives a good life everyone loves him. but NO thats not even the start of it. im hoping thats going to be my end of happiness. & vannaray khoy, i pray for her everyday. i love her so much.

>>viewers advised <<

fuck you, if you feel offended by that in anyway then you are probably one of the people i really mean it to. first of all i HATE people who supposedly are suppose to be close to you & are suppose to be CLOSE but arent. hahah your hilarious. YOU KNOW when shit goes down you always expect me to be there right on the dot when i never ask anything from you! at all! & you just act all shady to me thats perfectly fine with me. & if you think we are losing each others maybe we are. remember i go by the quote ," friends tell people alot about you" ? & i dont want to be around you if you act like that, you've changed & its sad. because it was not for the better. OH & i also hate people who expect me to stay the same. change is always happening. & just because i am growing up & dont feel like going out & being the center of the party anymore, then i just fucking dont. let that be. i need to get my shit together & if you dont like it fuck you & you need some growing up to do. i much rather stay home with my brother & drink while watching tv. you know casual stuff. & alot of people have been noticing me sad, im not sad i just feel like i need to calm it down for myself a couple notches i mean i do have to get my shit correct right now. 

not anymore

i told myself i will escape the summer's end. but it caught up to me. its like god said i couldnt leave seattle & i have to deal with my shit now. its funny because he did that by letting someone steal my wallet! aha i had to get a copy of my birth certificate, made a new id, & finally finished faxing my papers for school, so im good. i NOW know that summer is over & my life is going to be miserable. haha.i am sadly single & still keep dreaming about lies. but hey a nigga can day dream. im just goign to take my time & sooner or later i will find someone who i can deal with & that will give me as much as i give them. did i tell the world that i am moving to cali? lmao i know right all the damn time, but after im done with my classes the first thing i am doing is getting a condo in sf or la. im done & want a new life. i love this life i love being so street smart in seattle, btu its time to make me grow that rep. in cali. love me now because i wont be here later. i will be here later later, haha does that makes sense?

me;random post.

-i love to be in my boxers only.

-i cant understand how big the universe is.

-i dont think lil wayne deserves all the kudos he gets.

-i hate people who loves fashion but dont go along with the trends.

-i hate gluttony.

-i cant stand wasting food so i always stuff myself.

-i still like chris brown haha.

-i have a fascination for the sea world.

-i love to update myself on music.

-i hate wearing socks that are loose.

-i hate how my conscious fucks up my concentration all the time.

-i hate how NOTHINGS FAIR.

-i always tried so hard to fit in & when i finally stopped trying thats when i got noticed.

-i am NOT popular people just like to talk about stories & i just so happen to be around when a good peice happens, i just like to keep the good times roll haha.

-when i was in 5th grade i got into a fight with a big black guy because i won playin some hoops against him & he got mad, & i whooped his ass, i was a gangster baby.

-i never grew until my sophomore year of highschool.

-i have shaved countless times but my stache is still a baby.

-i look better in person, i dont like any of my pictures but one.

-i ask myself who would i be if i stayed in la.

-i always wanted to know how it would feel to have my real father around.

-i hate the way i dress sometimes.

-i dont like people who look " alike" to me.

-i hate how there is a determine "cool" way of things. bc im a klutz.

-if i could be anything in the world.. i would like to be a pristine condition mercedes clk racecar. 

-if i could change anything about me, i would not choose to be bi.

-i really wish i could cared more like how i use to.

-i want a love so real that i could wake up crying because i am happy.

-i love texture, its way better than plain & boring. 

-i kinda want to become an interior designer.

-i also kinda want to become a professional hair stylist. ew.

-if i could meet anyone it would be adam sandler or rev run, so some of their "coolness" can rub off on me.

-i have insomnia, i always sleep between 3am-6am everyday, i may have said gnight but i will lay there.

-i prefer calm music then booty music. 

-i am more a chill person than a party person, but i always end up bring the party with me.

-i like to think i could sing but i know i cannot sing.

-sometimes i think i am not who i am & im actually a retarded person & i am imagining i am this person. haha. call my crazy but i really think that its just because sometimes i get too much attention that i dont know what to think. & i think its just all in my imagination, i suppose i have my own wierd ways of coping with things. 

-it may seem like im not the type to have stage fright but i do.

-i love autumn because i think of love during the red & orange leaves falling in a park.

-i like to be outrageously romantic in my mind.

-i talk so much shit in my mind, but its more like truth, shit talking is for people who cant control their mouth piece.

have fun reading the little facts bout a crazy guy named jhon nguyen phillips.

infatuation

i love how in this world people always fall for someone THEY DONT NEED OR CANT GET. sucks. everyone has their own faces, one to the civil world & one to their close ones. & sadly, one side is always really horribly ridiculously rude obnoxious or just plain ugly. i hate the fact that beautiful wonderful people has a bad side always, i really wish i was a nicer person i am really judgmental & that is why i think i have bad judgment. i always end up going for the ones i think that can i can somehow fix or corrupt haha I AM HORRIBLE. there was ONE person who caught my eye & i never got attached to & that s my secret to keep of who the being is, but i held back because i saw the greatest fall & heartbreak so i left it be. but i know my chance will come back, without attaching strings to keep that person around. i just wish life was easy as abc but it isnt. & that is more than upsetting.

@jbouddy

i KNOW i already love you. your straight up REAL, & i can talk you in every way about everything haha. just know i may not have alot to offer on my plate yet but whatever it is that you need, i will do for you because i know you would do the exact same. i love how we clicked so well in the little time we've known each others. gawhs. i told you i'd blog about you.

diem nguyen

i havnt blogged about you & i bet you broke you into pieces, i am very sorry about that hunny. but you know you always always will have a special place in my heart & no matter how dumb you may be & no matter how much you know i am rude to you, you know i do it out of love. i guess i jst see you as a little sister. i cannot just help seeing you cry or even be hurt in any little way i REALLY cant. i just want the best for you & thats all i ever want. we had so many stupid days & night that i will never forget. it may seem like i dont remember mch, i do remember the important things trust me. i have this thing where i live in the past in my mind. i really do & its only the good little things that counts in my head. like lisa's favorite song .. i will wait in the pouring rain just for you if you ever needed anything, fuck that even when there is a natural disaster i will still be there for you, just make suer you remember who really loves you in the world hunny. & it may seem like life is a game, but it really isnt . it really isnt all it is, is a movie. there are so many chapters in our life but nothing is scripted. we will be the actors in our life & trust me you are ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS. haha. i hope that made you laugh but i seriously. & you know i will always have a shoulder for you or either a hug waiting for you or either a cloud for you to hop on & we can fly together. i WILL be there for you no matter what. i love you diem nguyen. (:

i love to hate.

i love to hate. how much i hate people who act like they dont know what is in front of them, i hate people who dont have any respect for themself nor the people around them. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK. this is my little explosion. i hate people who dont know how to keep their attitude positive & excuse me if im a little shitter right now but damn my life. i hate how things are & the only thing keep me happy is my bestfriends & family. plus a few other great people i have recently met. but i must got to say i wish people would say more. i wish people was more real i wish there was a thing called uptopia you know what im talkin bout? some real shiet. im tired of living in a world of lies & closed mouth, why cant we all be the same. what if everyone was the same? would it be all good? or would we be all bad so bad that it'll be so good? i dont know. i wish we all could just have no rules in having fun, the right way of course.

people in the world..

I am always people watching to see what else is in the world and you may never know what you might miss but one thing I always see is people treating each others rudely. man o man. I have my share but the amount of people putting up with people who are jacked up.. till thhey are no longer there but they still put up for others who act like the ones who hurted them the first time. I don't I suppose my moral of this is you can't hold back and just do you. be real and stand up for what you believe in even if it means you need to stand alone. usually I say keep trying and you'll eventually get through but don't try just do it :)

addictive.

what makes it so addictive? what makes you keep coming back? is it the feeling? is it the pleasure? or is it the fact that you need something to be addicted to? people are unique because we all have our different ways & our different hobbies that we are addicted to. so when i think about the work addict i think about what if we were never addicted to everything at all? would we all be really laid back & chill, & try out everything? would be more open minded? i dont know, & i will never find out. only god will know. 

need the sun to come out

i want the sun to hella come out, so like kmeas "daddy" says so we can just run into the water haha, i miss the sexy hot weather, i do not liek the cold because i shiver like a motha fcker.

club kolbeh

i thought it was alright for my first there, i would have aot to say to the owner though the dance floor isnt even a dance floor, its wack, i lie how there is a smoking spot though, thats thoughtful & secured. but the lights werent crack'n , i swear if me & my friends wasnt faded it would have been bammer. but oh wells. club kolbeh until your fixed i will not come back.

sweetie told me to look at this

& i think you guys should check it out, my girl knows how to scare me with food! haha

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com

chasing pavevents

oh man... I do not know what to do with you. your on my mind 24/7 and im always happy to talk to you. I just hope we can roughly put time into this and make this work. your different also and I admire that so much. beautiful inside out. and to tell you the truth I love how truthful you can be and never hiding anything and you don't hold back in saying anything.

pathetic.

can you please stop bothering everyone i know & tryna get the fuck on them. & tryna suck suck everyones cock & etc. i swear. okay maybe that was really offensive but im sorry i just am tired of hearing all my friends come to me & telling me they are scared of you or either just tired of your shit. i swear, i know you have " other better " things to do with your " famous" life.  okay i think im done for now.

broke broke broke

we live in a society where everything is falling and a ressession is soon to be damn near. I was sitting in the car with lisas family and lisas dad was talking about how you can have an old car and be living good and still be able to pay rent go out to eat and etc. but when you have a nice house.car .etc.. you seem to always be broke.. I like how he really isn't materialistic and knows wsup. he's almost like the dad I never had. really though. and he makes the mot funniest remarks and jokes. he surely doesn't get enough attention and love he deserves. I pray to god the the world can think a little more like him and keep living with a good moral.

plan

sometimes you have to look at things in your life like a doll house life. you have to plan things & think about the things that might happen, & always have a plan b, c , etc. for you to keep going to got to see the shit thats coming your way. & noone ever knows whats coming but if you plan ahead & suggest things that might happen.. we would save alot of time. & worries. 

angel

god please give me the strength to walk, to breathe, to be sane through all the troubles in my life right now, please help my family, please help my friends, please show the unacknowledged people to be more consistent with their life because things will always get better. most of all please keep the good times roll because our lives are short so dont stop the positivity with friends everywhere. gawh. 

late night

late at night. im never tired. I should be though knowing that I've been working out three hours everyday of my week and feeling super buff and super cut. im loving it and feeling greater than ever because now I don't feel like shit. hahah. I really did feel like shit ealier even on my birthday. li mean looks is everything in the beginning so might as well look good right? hahah I would usually say don't trip about it and I don't care but I only said that because I wasn't fit or model looking. haha. I mean I still don't care but I do less hahah

i really need to drink less

haha i know i say that allll the time but i really do mean it this time. i woke up & i feel like i dont know what the fuck happened last night, crazy. ewy. i miss the days where i would so productive. i am NOT AT ALL anymore. okay maybe i am but not as much as i was before. i am begging to really thinking of moving back to my moms to have a quiet  little life. but we all know that cant happen, everywhere i go its horrible news. jeez. i wish i can be someone whos not as outgoing as me just for a day. so i can have peace and quiet. i miss the days when i was younger & didnt party so much, i had time to think all the time & i didnt blog like this, haha stupid blog diary. you make me feel crazy. i really DONT LIKE HATERS. why cant we all become friends or at least have a mutual line, shiet. i woke up to have two damn hickies. wtf is that shit. no more smoking & drinking. last time i did that i pulled my ex in the bathroom & told her i miss her. sadly its the truth. i hate love. i hate dating. i am in NO POSITION to date. esp. since its summer... uhh thats like suicide to fall in the summer, i mean there is someone im looking at, shes actually makes me smile alot. & thats a good deal. i dont smile enough apprently . her name starts with a C and ends with a N haha & she looks flip and laos, whoo! i was wrong shes not. my friend got played & tonight he wants to go to alki and chill. that sounds really good because i havnt done that in a long time. last time i did that was with ryan. i really miss ryan, him & my father is coming home soon though so im really just looking foward to that, oh! my grandpa moved to federal way!! he came all the way from florida, orlando to be with his family. haha makes me teary. awhh. ahaha i have such a big ass family. its going tos uck real bad when i move to cali ..  T.T

key word.

I don't know why people get so ugly not only phsically but mentally. people used to be so open minded and hearted but now all I can think of people talking about so much shit that's unrelivent or either just plain rude. idk. and I hate it when people play mind games. why can it be easy as a going on to b. we start something then let me know wsup and we will WORK for it you know? but a lot of people just havnt opened their eyes. sadly. idk. im tired goodnight wolrd. be back tomorrow morning.

leo.

You may seem to be bright and cheery today, yet there may be a darker story hidden behind your bright eyes and friendly smile. It is commendable that you aren't flaunting sadness or anger, for sharing positive energy is surely better than spreading gloom. But there is a price to pay for withholding your truth, and the negativity could find a way to circle back and kick you from behind. Find a healthy way to express yourself so you can shine your light even brighter.

i always fall for horoscopes.

dont like being used.

then dont hang out with people who are obviously there to just be another hangout. friends are the ones who actualy say & do miss you not to say i miss you to go kick it. they cant make time for you but as soon as they have nothing they hit you up. gawhs. i feel like i am getting tired of everything but also everyone is tired of me. im so bittersweet now im a jerk. i know i am. & i hate it. i need time away so i can come back to being my old sweet proper gentleman that i am. god please help me.

i miss alot of things

i miss my friends, i miss how i close i was to alot of people, i miss actualy being in a realtionship. it really sucks how the past catches up to you. bleh. arshhole. but we meet new friends & we make new memories right? i told mysel fi would slow down on the drinking but i am drink alot stlll. like alot alot. holy cow. anywhoo i never noticed how i am so stuck on hannnah montana right now. omg. im gay. haha.

NIKK WONG. I MISS YOU PERVERT.

i wish

iwish i can tell  my friends how much i love them & most importantly i wish i can show my family how much i love them. its a shame i cant do that.

hate hate hate

I hate losing shit and you can't do anything about it. seriously fml. I went to the theatres today and on the way home I thought hey lets have a cig. but they weren't in my fuckin pockets noo. I lost them! a brandnew pack gone. fml. stupid shit man and ciggerettes are hella more money now like wtf. we are already killing ourselfs for them might as well make it cheaper damn fucking bastards. its my bbq tomorrow and I don't think anyone remembered. and idont even know if I could afford all the food. fml. I need a real job and real money. hate this slow money shit. " fast money slow money but never no money'just gotta keep that to mind. blah I wish life was easier. god help me.

hung over.

literally hung over, & just hung over with my life. its really time to actually stay sober for a while. and be happy authentically.& think more about whats more important than going to parties, i've been going to so many parties even for a 50 year old. its really sad to say that i am very young still & shouldnt be living a life like this yet. its what i was born into & raise as but i am more than this, i am a proper loving brother, friend, cousin, grandson, nephew, & influence. i shouldn't flaunt my parting habits to my friends nor my family.

i miss you

i saw my mother & little siters yesterday & i have never felt so cold hearted. they were crying & i was just standing there, having watery eyes. thinking abut how i am the worse person ever. & my mtoher jsut said i love you & hugged me three time crying. and i never been so sad about life. i hate the way things are. i much rather have a family then this life i call life. i mean its amazing, but party & never see family? it sucks. & the worse part is its because we can get on an agreement on anything. & my sister said," jhon.. i really miss the old days.. remember when you saw us more? remember when life was easier & money came easy? i hate life jhon.. " i never wanted to hear anything like that from my little sister. i wish i can pause life & just put the peices together while they wait but its not that simple is it?  i  hate seeing my sisters struggle. i mean i dont ever mind struggling myself because one i am a guy that has been through this since ever. so its not much. but to have my sisters be having a hard head in the dirt its not okay. i want them to do better than me, im going to go far but i would love to see my sisters go farther. it would make me so happy. dear god. i need help.

i woke up to.

i woke up to the sound of water splashing out the water hose but i forgot i was at kathys house & it was just actually wet outside because of the rain & its the cars that past by from the freeway. haha scared the hell out of me because i felt like i was going to drown for some reason haha. i feel like because of my friends im getting to learn more & more about me. i mean i know them but im so into getting to know my friends i lost myself you know? but anywaysss. sammy & vanny had a great bbq at coulon the WHOLE day yesterday & i was very stuffed so stuff when i drank alot last night i only got tipsy hahaha. & alot means alot. but i went to beautiful melindas house after the bbq & met some guys that was pretty chill & funny. drank with everyone & got lost for a quick minute & then arrived to the party where nikk was at! haha i was happy becayse i didnt get a hold of nikk to go to the bbq with me it woulda been great if he had came also because there was alot of plain stuff for him to eat, well not plain but you knnow , no sugar hahaha. but oh i saw gracielle & april at the bbq too, & jhonathan KIMMM, & idk how to spell the other guys name but lets say it starts with an E hahahahhaah. oh & got so many compliments on my hat it was crazy & people always ask where'd you get that, YOU KNOW WHY? SO THEY CAN GET IT TOO! haha i always reply internet. so people think i always either stole it, have fairy god parents , or im a guy who likes to keep his clothing names inside his closet, which only the last one is very true haha. but i am at KMEAS's hosue & waiting for her to get off her suppose to be day off at work, day at work haha. she said she'll be home in a little bit thuogh. im not goign to hold on to that but i will not care hahahha. so tomorrow is monday & that is when lisa comes back from her marathon from uw seattle, to portland oregon. CRAZY! for her doing it i am goign to give her my lucky pearls haha. i mean how often do you find a pearl in your oyster? I FOUND TWO! haha ones ugly though. but its okayyy. haha tomorrow is also the first day of the cabin trip which i am so not ready for but im just gonna go with it haha. i need my cloths though!

friends!!

i gotta admit my friends are almost everything to me, they not only keep me happy but keep me inspired to make myself better. i hate the fact that the world is so competitive but i also like the fact that because it is, it makes you want to thrive some more. haha there is always a negative to a positive, vice versa. i got picked up by emily this morning & i saw meiko in the front seat, & emily almost ran a red light haha, we went over to nicks house & i was pretty surprised on how they all got something pierced.  everyday more & more i think i am surrounded by piercings, it almost make me want to take out all my piercings but thats such a  waste of money i've already done it so why bother. we ended up meeting up alissa calveen & this girl that really looks like michelle, it was scary close. after we met up emily & nick bought earings & lip studs, haha they are looking mighty sexy bomb now. & then went to great wall & nick, calveen, & i went on this little carousel haha it was fun  but it made me really lightheaded, then we watched ghost of girlfriends pasts, AGAIN! haha i hate watching it because ... ksbnghdbjg it makes me sad hahah! i was thinking about how the fuck am i ever going to get someone or how will i ever find the one? i never had that someone from the beginning. im always ALONE.  wahhhh.

fly like a bird

lol ... so im laying tryna think about what would I ever want to do and I want to fly hahaha without the ear ache the airplane gives you because that shit is hella painful gives me watery eyes kinda hurt hahha. but rain was the shit and I won the list whoot props to all my friends.

its the 4th of july

so happy 4th to err'one. hope everyone doesnt get burned in any way today. & dont get way too drunk haha. lets pray to god my back roads to faith will work.

try

try to be nicer. try to be more respectful. try to show less emotions. try to just enjoy the sun now that it has came. ignore the rest and do you and be happy. ignore the people. ignore the pain. try to capture your mind again. don't fight you heart be with your heart.


I feel as if I am here sitting on the balcony and everything fades away and I am lifted to the sky and my head feels the easy breeze with my eyes being all chinky because its so nice and bright out. but its mearly my imagination. and at the end of the day I am brought back into what and where I am.

god help me.

love me.

I am more hating but also loving myself at the same time for the way I think react and just do things. after I do something I think about what I just did three times. and hate myself. I put a smile on my face because of my friends and I love that. I give off the impression of something I am not I hate that. I think the main issue about me is that I let people get in my head. but its just sometimess and I do really try to be better. I really do try to keep myself happy. & that's where it leades. should I be selfish and take off to cali and forever be happy and only worry for me? or do I stay here and fall apart and pick the pieces over and over again with the family? I have done so much already and still I get no respect I know I can't have everything I want but asking for real love from family isn't much. after all they need to be thoughtful about how much I have done for them. making all the convience for my family. that's why I am thinking of what I should do about where should lead myself now. new life or struggle some more.

accomplished.

i got out , & went crazy.  loved it.  I KNOW IM SUPPOSE TO BE LOOKING FOR A JOB, BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING & IF PEOPLE DONT CALL ME BACK THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO, KILL EM? i dont think so. after i get drunk, high, etc. i wake up early still & drop off applications & pick up other ones. if you know anyone who does that let me know because i need to be hanging out with them, cause they like me! ha. dont judge me bitch, i know what im doing. born & raised this way so dont look at me like i dont know what the fuck im doing. i hella do. & get that through your thick ass skull. you people have never walked in my shoes so stfu. you people should still be happy that im not always rude. i still got manners & i know how to act like a civilian when im suppose to. 

get me outta here

asap.

funny how

people like me better before,
people arent that expressive when they say they miss me,
people say so much shit,
people are afraid of me,
people think im a different person,

people are worthless. show me a person with a soul. for me to love. i dont love people i love souls.

world spins, round? noooooooo.

i dont think it even spins round its more of a square because i feel like there are always four points everyday, the morning, the afternoon, & the evening, & the late nights. i feel like the world is too slow to be round. haha. fuck i am kinda liking this mia, but i need a job!!!!!!!!!

getting back to the good life

after the tornado that hit my heart.. mind.. and soul.. I decided that I really don't need anyone there yet. because I am still bittersweet. what I need to do is keep myself happy with a job and if I do think someone has potential I got to keep my limits and not cross the line and lead them on to a bitter beginning relationship. I need to think ahead and get a job and just be happy with myself. I have all these signs. I am in the good life but im not living it. so what am I waiting for you ask?? " never rush things and it will come out beautifully with perfection" im giving it time so I can come to love where im at and live the good life hahah.

tears

I always find myself tearing and I always wonder if that is my allergies or is it cause I yawn or just simply because I never cry and I have little outbreaks of tears everyday. I really wouldn't know and I think I will never know which is the sad part because I don't understand myself . saddd. but I went hrough my old quotes and I thought they weren't bad. just thought I was a lot stronger than I am today. I means no wonder why I was so big headed. its becauase I was so strog and I knew how to keep my head up. so as of right now say fuck everything have fun and get my shit together and be strong once again. because nigga im jnp.

things are so different now

past;

Tina & i used to bike to pizza hut & just get bread sticks & get home before my parents do, & this is when i was in elementary school. i miss the old days. i miss all the stupid little meaningless things we do that was actually authentically fun. now our laughs have shorten & i got more crazy. tough tough.

golden garden

i am going to put my toes in the sand & just lay down close my eyes & just breathe. i need time for myself, & i need to see how precious my life really is, my best friend told me i sounded like im suicidal & so im going to realize all the great things in my life & make a list. because i know i am not haha. god, i need help.

pretty much

burn me, scratch me, drown me, but i will save myself.

been high

im not giving up,im just taking things to make me happier to go on haha, im so high high high.


god forgive me.

sin;gluttony

i have failed to keep myself in a average shape. time to get back on track with everything.

im going to say goodbye to the 7 deadly sins.

i can sing this over & over

ive made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
if I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
i know this is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

chain smoking.

even when i dont talk to you , i think about the good times. then i think about how mad i am for how you think about me. im not dramatic because i dont be telling people our situation, if you think so then your dumb, i tell it to my close friends & apperently your just around them all the time it feels like its said to everyone. haha understand? i dont tak or hangout with them much anymore because of YOU. happy? because i am the happiest nigga in the fucking world. & why does it matter if im talking to anyone else anyways? im a nigga you tell me shit , & dont leave me out in the dark. i dont know how you feel. & never do anymore. theres no communication anymore. & apperently i dont think there will be ever again. thanks for throwing a rock at my head.

we got the power of stacking.

" dont do something you love, do something that works"

career wise ... thats right i suppose.

" work hard now into something that works so you can do what you love later"

understand? erhm, i didnt get it at first too.

trio.

i love love love love love love love us. its always a fun day or night with you two. & i hope you guys know that we are something strong and please dont ever leave. please dont ever change the love, please dont. we worked into this & this is yet to become the world'd rulers. haha. " never found another group as good looking as us" seriously , we are big headed sometimes. but oh man im a jigga man & you two are the boss's boss. haha, diem nguyen, lisa thi doan, you guys are the best foreva eva foreva evaaa? foreva evaaaaaaaa (:

em pleh uoy nac <

its makes me so mad how you are, it makes me mad how i am about you, it makes me so mad that when i think about the good times. i cry. i never intended for all this shit to happen. i never intended to fall so hard. for these past two weeks i have been climbing back up & on the way leaving myself a net for every foot deeper. i dont want to get hurt anymore & i intend not to. its my goal. i might be stupid for maybe letting the love of my life walk right by but i know what im missing. a heart ache just to happen? yeah .. i mean it comes with so much happiness & so much great joyousness but i really think i cant deal with the fact that i will get hurt so bad like that, no more long emo baths, no more cries at night, no more watching you sleep & tearing up. no more. just remember a friend is always here.

can you help me, tell me what you want from me, i lipped out to you..

myself & i

need my friends to show me who i am again, i lost myself & i uber miss the guy who i used to be.

hope

we always ask for hope & faith, but we dont get any in return. why is it that you dont get help until its the end or when its over. is it maybe you were suppose to do more? is it suppose to be just you & the help you need is actually in the back of your head? gawhs, i think im gonna stop bloggin. & turn into a photo gallery.

i just want to start over

one day, i'll pack up & leave without notice.

one day.

haha alright okay;

so im bitter, so im a bipolar crazy psycho motha f'

i noticed that i am ruthless to family & i am rude to my mother because she is stupid, & because i never hold the past but when it coms to her i remmeber everything she did & said to me, alot of people dont get how i could be so mad over little things, but i think its really not the little things i think its everyhting shes done & when she fucks up or irritate me i yell back for all the times i couldnt.

imagine a 5 year old waking up to their mother drinking to much at 3 am and calling you voer becaudse she sees your head sticking out to look, & she holds you tight saying her life sucks & why is she so stupid & why is her life so bad & why this & that and making me feel stupid.

like a revolver w/ 1 bullet.

sometimes there are only once change for a shot. either if its good or bad. sometimes thats just how things & the world works.

time;

i take one step & thats where it'll take me, im not going to walk backwards. thats just wrong. in life people always complain. in life people always smile. matter in fact i think they dont get a good balance between the two. its either they nag too much or they just always smile & bottle everything up for ages. but when you take a step smiling or naging you cannot go back otherwise its cheating. but what point i am trying to make is that when a person takes a step, well at least when i take a step foward i do not change my mind & i gow ith it, its like acting up to your own actions. for instance i said i am going to stay here for frienda, & i did. & look im manning up to my actions. gawhs. okay just saying.

rayleen [ aka chi hai ]

chi hai! you did absolutely everything for me because you know i am going through a rough ass patch & i wanna say thankyou for every little second you helped & your still helping, you let me forget the pain & worries that i go through, you let me smile again when i cant, i know your a good chi because we click, when you cry i tear up, haha guys dont cry! but you know i mean it means i dont ever want o see you hrut because it would hurt me too, im glad that we got to get closer. & i thank my sister for ever introducing you to me because i dont think my life would be this sunny without you, you are triuley a kind hearted person & you shuldnt be taken advantage of ever. people need to be greatful for what you do, & i say i am most greatful for everything youv'e done. i love you & dont ever change the fact you love me too! (: keep your heart, your head, & your smile up. you deserve to only be happy you enver do anything wrong & you never are mess up. your a really nice girl. & thankyou for caring so much. your a great person & dont forget that i love you (:

vannary khoy [ aka homie G skillite ]

what can i say about you? you've been there for me thick & thin. when i was weak & when i was strong, when i am smiling & when im at your front porch crying in the rain. you've always helped me with everything you could do & thats the thing i remember from you the most is that you love me & that if you can do it you will help me. & i really appreciate every liittle thing you do i really do & you have no clue how much i have love for you, & if you ever needed anything i would try to do it also, i love you till the my heart bleeds or even when tis flying haha imagine a heart floating around then speeding in the air haha idk, but anywhoo i dont mean to go emotional but ever since your mom pasted away i've been thinking about you everyday. everytime i look at my keys i see your moms key chain that she gave me. i have so much respect & love for your family if you guys ever needed anything you know i would dig for it until my nails start bleeding. theres never a point where i was crawling you didnt help me, i feel like your my gaurdian , your the person who is suppose to keep my legs stable. to think of it everyone one has thier part in my life. its just you are my backbone. you keep me alive & you keep me smiling even when im crying you make me smile, just thankyou for everything. i love you.

itty bitty

you said, "SOOOO....I was reading your blog and I couldn't leave comments so I figured id leave one here lol... reading your blog just made me miss you lol. The thought process of you already leaving in 2 days has yet to kick in. But im kinda use to trying to suck it all in and keep a smile on. I will def miss you everyday that your gone but I know we'll keep in touch always. And of course it won't be the last time I see my squishy :-). I love you sooooooo much & I wish nothing but the best for you. Hope your new adventure in cali brings you so much more oppurtunities. I know that your the one who has taught me to make the best of everything & live life to fullest and I thank you for that. Without you I probably wouldn't be as strong as I am today. Thank you for everything & I love you "mucho grande"..(just like vanny says) ....I don't wanna make this tooo long cuz im at work haha but just wanted to leave u somethin to read once u check ur msgs haha.. Woop woop!" & all i got to say is that i love you and i will go on with my adventures. i will catch oppurtunities and i am only living my life fullest because i got my lovely friends like you to be by my side loving & caring for me. at first we werent that close because youw ere more of my sisters friend, but im really glad you met her, because if you had never met her i would have never met you & i think my life would be uber stupid without you. who would i imagine doing stuff as cartoons in my head? haha who would i call my itty bitty, & who would stop be from being bad? you keep the good side of me out & keep the bad side in. i know god must have sent you in my life so i keep doing good & keep my heart kind. you teach me to be greatful & to be well tempered haha, because we all know i get my temper from my mother. but i just want to say thankyou for everythign you have done & i love you & your family. muchos grande (:

ryan johnson-ng [ aka ryry ]

you are the best brother that i've never had & i know i always vent out to you & i know you do get sick & tired of it but you are the only person who hold it in & just put out the negitive & support me, i have never got a support as strong as i get it from you, your like my foundation to my day basically haha that sounds homo, but seriously. i know this journal, bloggin, wrting bout each others is homo & girly but it has to be said somehow & i really do love you bro. your a great person with a great heart. & dude you really have a big place in my heart your really one of the only ones you understands me, & no one ever understand how stupid we can get haha, drinking or not we always have fun, even though we've bee drinking alot dont mean shit & dude dont worry bout pac man because he wikll be superb. i love how our family is just always so welcoming to each others usually it doesnt work that way a parent always hates one another you know? but we got so much family love around us its hard not to be brothers hahha. but man just keep it up, & i just wanna let you know your the best.

tnp

throughout the whole years of our lifes you were the one to keep pushing me down into the dirt & making me chase the butterflies, but im not even trippin. because as i said, " I HATE YOU WITH ALL MY GUTS, BUT I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART" & its the truth. no matter how far life goes in i'll still have you around in my heart. when i see you i wanna hug you then punch you its funny to me kinda. but you are really a good sister. no matter how much bullshit we gave each others we still end up on the same page, family never leave each others. as for our mother i dotn know what to say thats prolly where we get along the most, is when we argue with our silly mother. you know that one day i will get things done & i will put my name somewhere & when i do my sister, we would live in relaxation. i hate us always living in struggle and always emotionaly about how stressed out our days go by. im sick & tired of it & i know you are too. no matter what you do just keep that head up & at least domething beause everyone has a purpose and i know yours is a really big one. i swear your the most best advice giver but when it comes to you taking your won words in your hard headed as hell. i think if it wasnt for you i wouldnt be so much wise. your a big part of who i am today & so is mother but i swear you gave me alot of hope and you were the one who first opened my eyes on how life really is & i thankyou for that. i thanyou for just being my sister, & god knows i love you. tnp, keep that smile on your face.

lisa thi doan

my best of bestfriends, she incrediably awesome. theres nothing i would ever want more in a friend. we went to church together this one time & we were takling about how god helped us in the past & i cried & said god helped me by sending lisa to me, if it wasnt for her i would have killed myself a long time ago, & thats the truth.& the best part is how we can do the most randomest shit ever & dont care, i love just laying there in bed talking about the randomest shit & then rnning to the kitchen & laughing whilew making food & talking about something stupid that happent that day or earlier that week haha. shes beautiful inside out & she brings me peace, she brings the best outta me. i cant live without her, i need to at least talk to her somehow or i'll eventually go crazyy, im so serious i start jumping around & yelling. without her hahha.a good thing about her is that she actually laughs at my jokes, & i always always feel welcomed even when shes a poopy head everything feels right still. never aleinated from her. & i would take a bullet for her, i would crash & burn for her, if she falls i'll record it like i did & have a thousand loughs over & over again . when i see her i see this half white half black angel haha like the ones on your shulders? just like that. haha but a beautiful ass wonderful person haha. and the thing is i miss our journeys , we would take the bus everywhere and just take pictures & just about do the littles things but have so much fun, i never ever had so much fun doing nothing. shes amazing & i know our book will not end.

f.thong

look at my flaws, look at my smile, look at how much her glow embraces me. i never met another one girl this great, i've never thought i would ever get someone a good as her. smiles everyday even when im tripping off stupid shit from my family & stupid people. i love how she can shift my day to a higher ground like a five speed stickshift. shes an amazing , beautiful, gorgeous, heartful, & down to earth kinda girl. i said to myself that i would never walk on ice holding anothers hand but when it comes down to walking on thin ice with her i know we'll make it. sad to say im leaving her for a bit to get my rest but i will come back because i dont ever want another person if its not her, i dont ever want to kiss another person, if its not her i dont even wanna lay in bed all day if its not with her. she may not take my compliments but i dont care i keep giving them, she may not like me opening her door but i will still try, because in this relationship i will not stop trying for her love. shes god's gift to earth & there is so much to say. i love waking up & seeing her face i love waking up & kissing her, say good morning. she completes me. & the best part is my friends all like her & believe that shes incredible, they rather see me with her than any other girl or guy. because shes my wife. & i can never get tired of her. she asked me the other day & asked me why i wasnt annoyed of her yet , i answered, " because i want to spend the rest of my life with you" & thats coming from the bottom of my heart. shes not no object i know that forsure. & she let her words be said. she jumps through fire rings for me & help me so much, i akhbfsghsiug wanna pinch her cheeks gawhs. haha okay ttyl. xoxo

crazyy

they crazyy, niggas carzyy, err;one crazyy.

gabe bondoc

i love his little "ello" haha im stupid. but its only because i said ello too.

soul speaking

just because jnp is a promoter now doesnt mean he doesnt still have his feelings or his careness for other people. we gotta live somehow. we gotta make it better than just doing nothing. im one who has to constantly do something or will DIE. if nothing comes your way for a very long time, & suddenly got gives you lemons , what'd you think i'd do? i would make some motha' effin lemonade! plus it makes money on the side. whats there to hurt when theres money involved am i right? we live in a world where they dont suck your blood for enjoyment anymore, no ... we live in a world where they take our hard earned cash. people are mad for money. i mean have you've seen what people say & do to get your money?! haha rediculous. but hey it happens right? you know what i miss the most? not only my money i've all had but the love i have gotten before. the older you grow up the more it seems that love is the hardest thing you can find. even in some friends you cant find. its really sad and true. i also miss the time where i thought there could be a way that my mother would wake up & breath to see what she is messing up on. shes in this fantasy land where every little drop of money comes around she gambles or buy beer or liqour with, & people asks me why am i an alcoholic .. i mean its no excuse but when its handed to you even from your own parents ... lmao yeah im gonna reject that. i looked at myself in the mirror & DID NOT SEE THE SAME GUY. at first i was scared. second i thought how did i change for so long & not realiazed it. answer is that i did, i was just ingoring reality. i use to always double think before act & always had so much manners. where did all that go? i was such a good wisdom giver, but now when i give advice it sounds like its not good enough. what happened to just regular hanging out, regular movie nights? i've been doing that & i tell you it feels good. i wanna stay young. & not grow up too fast. i want people to awknowlegde that im not a kid anymore but still knows how to have inocent fun. why does it always have to end up ," i need a drink, oh yeah me too etc.etc." i mean really? is life that bad sober? i dont know. i just need to know is there anyone out there who can love & care & worry & feel real anymore?

hassles

my main concern is always hassles because i am here standing, well sitting, to believe that god really has put me through every little extra mile just so my life would be easier later. but only god knows. all i do know right now is what i've been through. ever since i was young even just to get home i had to work around something, driving somewhere i had to work around something, never eating haha but always even to go school, get peace, go hangout. but i thought about it really .. like hecka got into it .. they sometimes arent hassles they are just inessities of getting things done. you can always have things come to you so easily then life wouldnt be life. no matter how much time ones put into it, its about how much ones gotten out of it.

jenny troung phillips;

jenny jenny jenny thanh smalls chenny, my dear love. my other half, right side of my brain, & cousin.

through thick & thin we stil know when somethings up, we cry, laugh, smile, fear together. & thats why i think we're so close. your my inspiration & im yours. lets keep this up. no matter how far i go no matter how far you go you know we'll both have each others back. when you left i cried a ocean & i hope you dont cry an ocean for me. where your heart melts. im there to make sure you stick with a good concious. where ever your stuck im there to be the super jnp. & whenever my brian turns off & heart starts pouring emotions your there to give me those little big hugs with your 4'11 self. or 10 haha. we dream together, we hope together, we even hide & run away together, we even stole together, skipped together, thizzed together, & got hecka fucking high together. theres nothing we've done. butt heads but always said sorry. you know i coudl always forget you for whatever you do. even if it means you might crash my car someday. i will forget you hahaha. just remember i love & wont stop loving you cousin.

never happy

things never change.

no matter how much you talk to them they dont hear. no matter how much you yell they will not change & no matter how much you show you got yourself & could go far away from them & no matter how much you leave them they still will not change. they will always be yelling over the stupid things. they will still be acting like they are half your age when they are suppose to be the wise ol' greatful one. but no. its never that way its never gonna be different. the reason why is that the old days were fucked up & stupid & didnt know better, you make mistakes for the future generation to know right? its always going to be like that & so it remains still the same. she can be sitting there drinking to herself crying & still i will just stand here watching her without hesitation just do nothing. it hurts to the point where i see her cry i dont want to do anything. she gave me pain & dont relieve her pain. btu the reaosn why i do is because her pasin is never from our family. it never is because she doesnt care about us, her pain is from all the niggas that walk in & out of her life. standing there around family parties like she is still strong with her so called husband. growing up was hard. harder than hard. it was going up a 90 degree hill with a stick. waking up early in the middle of the night & hearing the fights, hearing the clutter hearing the mess that they be making makes you wonder how did you ever get through it then later you jsut think it was easy. the more pain you through the strong you will get. & eventualkly things will change. because when you think it isnt going to change you change. & when you change you can walk away from everything with no hesitation. its not called heartless or self conceited. its called things will change. so take that walk. for the better.

juicing oranges

try sqeezing the juice out an orange with just the little circle thingy that has a bump on it . its a killer. my arm is so sore. but i was thinking about it, they had so much do back then. thats why usa was so non fat. now just because we have more simplisities people take advantage of it & dont even work out. we have so much obesitiy. its sad. oh & so i thought when i get my place i want it to be all the way up stairs & i want to have regular old school coffee makers can openers & alot of plants so its work for me to keep them up to shape. not like the rest of the us.

cook

when your cookin yoiu feel heat so you put up with it & then you lower the heat. when in life when things get hard to sustain people just quit . & if they had never quit in the first place & just put up with the hard times jsut a little bit more things will settle down, & that comes to my conclusion that there are many weak people & that is why their life is so miserable. or to them. everyone has thier own pace & everyone has their own limit. a person can just take so much. but a even stronger person can take much more than a normal one's limit. & heres my question of the day. are you weak or are you strong? & would you think you could help yourslef become a better person?

temptations.

for the best hold yourself back right? oh, & dont mind my question openers for my intro. but outta temptations people do the stupidest things ever. they fall, they cry, they get hurt, & most of all they are scarred & probably will regret. but on the other side .. there are people who fall into temptation & find the greatest things. love, fame, & the greatest things ever. its just really on how much we are willing to go, the path always change & you got to see how you can be able to handle. like it says " if you want it that bad, you'd have it" i miss summer.

gluttony

is too much, too much? i quite frankly think so. & now im am most likely going to be on a bread & water diet haha. i went to great wall buffet with the family & got four plates w/ a side of vanilla ice cream & finished that damn fortune cookie that had the fortune saying, " can i get some directions (to where?) to your heart" haha thats probably the corniest & worst thing i got out of a cookie. but i got to say my strike isnt over with drinking. im growing a bad habit. & its going to stick for a while. i know.

never too much.

i really think im a energizer bunny, i keep going & going & going. its truely an amazing thing. NO! its more like im a glow in the dark sticker. i work better at night after the light [day] !! haha ohh man. dicks [coochies] have the best burgers & fries when your drunk or not sober haha. when you come when your not its just alright. but sonics is real good haha.

& if your eally think about it friends stay aside you for a really long time, & if you look closer you'll see who actually helps & who doesnt. there are countless friensd i have that are keepers & sadly i also have countless that arent. but like the quote said " theres a reason why they are not here " its true.

gawhs i'll blog more im going on craigslist now.

bleed

we all have bad habits like picking at scabs & letting it try to heal over & over again but the cycle doesn't stop until we stop. so sometimes you just need to ignore yourself & change into someone else until your scabs better so theres nothing to pick at? think outside the box.

sadly

i replay the song on your myspace to re-ensure that i still got you, that you still want me. i hope your not falling out while i fall in farther. all i think about is " i wonder if i think about him too much? how can i make myself not so stupid?" you know .. im usually not like this. usually jnp is this knowned PIMP. & here he is falling. into only what god knows. its a killer. & i try to make myself happier by looking at cute pictures like this one.



but anywhoo .. my little sister is ill & i have to wake up early today to go to the hospital. thats what big brothers do.

california

i will see you again soon my dear, MUAHAHAH! (: